The old pervert (Un vecchio pervetiro)

Song of the moment: Drive [acoustic] by Incubus


Sitting in the café at Borders, sipping my fourth cup of coffee and reading The Great Gatsby by Fitzgerald, minding my own businnes, this middle-aged man wearing a suit with a completely bald head approaches me. He was very polite, but he gave out a wierd aura that creeped me out. Looking down at me and then at my book, he says, "I hate to be rude, but I like your earrings."


Confused as to why my earrings would interest him, and then thinking that he might be gay, I replied, "Umm.... thanks."


He paused for a while, and continued making conversation, "So how are you enjoying your book?"


The Middle-Eastern band that was playing in the cafe was pretty loud (in a good way, their music was soothing...) so I didn't hear what he said. I retorted, "Excuse me?"


"Your book. The Great Gatsby. I have a diploma in English, and I studied that book. Are you reading it for school?"


I didn't want to be rude, so I answered his question, "Not yet. I bought it so I can read it and get ahead. We're reading The Crucible by Arthur Miller right now."


He responded, "Ahh, another classic."


He walked away after a moment's silence. Three minutes later, he comes back asking another question, "I hate to be rude, once again, but I would like to treat you out to dinner in another evening."


Okay.... what the fuck. This guy obviously knows that I'm still in high school. I had my Hello Kitty bag on the table, and my little coin-purse with Spongebob and other kiddie stickers all over it. This guy is fucking sick. Sick to the bone, I tell you. I OBVIOUSLY refused his offer, gave him a wierded out/mean look, and returned to my book. He eventually went away, but just thinking about it just.... gives me the creeps. The world is going to hell. TO HELL, I SAY. I was even scared to go to the bathroom in fear that he might follow me and make a move on me.


.... This is why I sometimes dress in baggy pants, sweatshirt and a hood over my head when I go downtown. Currently, there are two molestors in Santa Cruz. I've been really brave, always walking the streets of downtown wearing a skirt, usually alone. I really have to lose that confidence, because someone bad can really happen. Bah. Thinking that you have to lose confidence in order to survive is so stupid. The world is fucking mad. Actually, it's Santa Cruz that's mad. Fucking hippie rapists.


On a lighter note, my mother, sister and I have been on good terms lately. A few days ago, my mom and I had a quarrel in which got her to bring up the whole psychiatrist deal/thing. My sister helped my mom and I clear our little misunderstanding (yes, our fight was over a misunderstanding. it usually is.) and helped us agree to listen to each other more, instead of assuming something else. So far, it's been working. It's working so well that it's scary. Today, my sister and I hung out and ate at Fresh Choice. Yesterday, I bought my mom a dozen roses. My mom is trying harder to understand me, and I actually learned a lot about her, just by trying to understand her.


For instance... before, I used to think she didn't care about me because she never chose my classes for me, she never got anal about my choices when it comes to school, she always let me go out when I want (i just have to call her), she just gave me so much freedom. She told me that she only did that because she wants me to make my own decisions, be independant, so I would be more prepared for life. She said she wasn't doing it because she didn't love me, she was doing it because she DID love me and that she doesn't want me to grow up weak and vulnerable. And you know what? Her method really worked. I mean, I HATE being told what to do, and if she told me to get good grades, I would get bad grades. If she told me to try out for mock trial and to be a lawyer, I would probably end up doing drugs. I just like to rebel. Getting to know my mom really got me to appreciate her. I also got to know my sister's nice side. When my mom was attacking me in our fight a few nights ago and making threats about sending me to a psychiatrist, my sister was the one that was trying to understand me. When my mom and I made up, yet she kept talking about how crazy I was and how right she was, even though I already admitted to my stupidity, my sister told me mom to just shut up and let me be because I finally understood..... it gave me more appreciation for what I have. A sister I misunderstood.


Now that she and I are hanging out, and now that I am actually listening to what she says instead of shunning her out, she's actually not that bad. We actually laugh at stories now... stories of friends, strangers, and stories of our mom and how funny she can be when she's mad or when she's being senile. We're actually acting like we're sisters. It's a great feeling.


This experience is making me better as a person. It's turning me into a more even-out, "fair" person. Before, outside of the house, I would be nice. I would be nice to my friends, acquaintences, teachers. But when I would get home, I put on a shield against my family because of previous experiences. I practically gave up on them and didn't give them a chance. Now that I have given them a chance after they started changing their ways and after trying to understand my messed-up mind and thoughts, our family has turned into.... a family. My mom and stepdad even invited my sister and I to a picknick (sp?) on the beach today.


At first, this love was strange and new and felt wierd. But now that I matured and realized my faults, it's actually very refreshing. We're not constantly yelling. We're all wiser. We're more patient with each other, causing us to be more patient with other stuff as well. We're all just better people. I guess my mom and sister reading my diary was a good thing. I already said that before, but it really is. My mom is even starting to respect my vegetarianism and comprehended the fact that I will NOT eat anything that is meat and has stopped asking me if I want to eat meat everytime she cooked. She tries to cook vegetarian stuff and buy my vegeterian meals from restaurants. Before, I wouldn't realize her attemps of being a good mother and continue being selfish, but now I do and it's obvious. I'm nicer, I give respect to her (the Filpino-type respect to their elders.... usually only Filipino understand) and I'm constantly saying "thank you".


The sadness that used to lurk inside me has gone away. At times I feel empty and wierd and I search for the sadness, but I can't find it. I dont' know if that's a good or bad thing, it's definitely new. The darkness that I used to feel is gone. I had been used to it that I feel like a new person without, but then it's also kind of creepy because I feel so empty at times. I'll tell you this, though..... It's definitely easier being nice to people. Before, I would put on a mask in front of people that didn't deserve being bitched at, and it was so painfull that it made me even more depressed. But now, my smile and laughter is no longer fake and I can finally proudly say that I am myself.


When I look for the sadness inside my soul, the sadness that used to wrap around me and cause me to write about darkness and evil, all I find is happiness. Happiness and thankfullness. I'm happy because I'm trying... I'm happy because I'm not failing at life anymore.... I'm happy because other people are happy, knowing they're happy partially because of me. Your attitude definitely reflects the attitude of those around you. When I was sad and depressed and mad and angry, my family acted the same way around me, which made it just worse. Now, it's the complete opposite. It's a wonderful feeling and it once again gives me more appreciation in life.


I would just like to say to anyone and everyone that is reading this right now, to carpe diem. It really is worth it.


Seize the day before it seizes you. lol. =)